"Chick flick." I can just see the first time someone used that to refer to a movie. Oh man...I have the perfect term for this movie my wife/girlfriend/friend/sister/cousin wants me to see. What a nomenclature genius!
I'll admit it - I'm one of those guys. I know all about bra sizes, and feminine hygiene products, and the difference between an A-line and a pencil skirt. And so you might, if you're male, be thinking, oh sure, this guy cried during Remember the Titans (true) and sang along during Titanic (totally false; that movie was utter shite.) Of course he doesn't like the term "chick flick". He's probably too busy knitting a tea cozy for his book club to realize that men are under attack by these trying, romantic weepathons.
First of all, can we agree that most movies targeted at men are kind of crap? Look at Avatar. No really, look at it. What the hell is this steaming animated pile? Are those pixels fighting landscape paintings?
I recently watched Funny People, a film so desperate to appeal to bros it threw in an Eminem cameo where he threatens Ray Romano. Consider the following exchange, listed on IMDB as a "Memorable Quote":
Mark: Did you know that Leo played a part on Yo, Teach?
Ira Wright: Yes I did.
Mark: So you saw it?
Uh...right. Now compare that to this scene from When Harry Met Sally, possibly the ur-chick flick.
Mr. Zero from TheSundayBest on Vimeo.
Judd Apatow dreams of writing dialogue this tight.
The use of chick flick as a pejorative, the very idea that women need to be coddled and hand-held through vacuous romantic comedies, is especially galling when one considers just how crappy the male counterparts--dick flicks, bro films, anything starring Wesley Snipes--are. Here are the five worst examples.
Bill Simmons, who has never met a pop culture reference he didn't like, worships this movie with something bordering on holy reverence. I love Bill Simmons and agree with 95% of everything he says, but the 5% I don't involves reality TV and The Shawshank Redemption. It is held near or at the top of the Best Movies for Men of All Time; it took the runaway train called Forrest Gump to stop it from winning Best Picture at the 1995 Oscars.
And it's terrible. Based on a lesser Stephen King short story it manages to hit every single prison cliche there is - rapists,crooked warden, innocent man, prisoner who doesn't want to leave, rapists, stool pigeons, confessions that can free the hero, abusive guards, rapists. Somehow this, coupled with a wildly implausible prison escape where Tim Robbins actually crawls through a storm drain during a storm, has made it one of the most highly regarded movies of all time. Kudos to Desson Howe of the Washington Post for this barb:
But it's clear from the start that Robbins, despite the hardships, is emotionally protected by his own innocence. He charms everyone and, eventually, parlays his business skills into a useful commodity. By the end, these grim authoritarians and jailbirds are eating out of his hand. In fact, Robbins' effect on everyone is so cheesily messianic, they should have called this "Forrest Gump Goes to Jail."
Oh god Ben Stiller. Stiller has three movies coming out in 2010, and ELEVEN more in development. He is easily the worst part of any movie he's in. Remember Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder? Remember how amazing he was?
Remember when they made the movie all about him and the last 20 minutes were hilarious? No? Oh right, that's because they made it all about Stiller acting. And acting. And acting.
Stiller can't act.
Romeo Must DieJet Li and Aaliyah in the least convincing movie romance ever filmed. Jet "Kick you in the head" Li wearing a backwards baseball hat. Jet Li dancing. Jet Li...selling his honour.
Russell Crowe tries on at least five different accents in attempting to sound Roman (although strangely he never reaches for Italian.) Joaquin Phoenix is an emperor named after a toilet. And those stand as the high points of the movie.
Other highlights:
Crowe's character is named Maximus.
Even though the Emperor wants Maximus dead, he apparently can't kill him. Even though he's a gladiator.
The action scenes are cut like a seizure.
Maximus.
Saving Private RyanMetacritic says Saving Private Ryan has universal acclaim, which is astounding for two-plus hour war movie where almost nothing of note happens. Seriously - can you remember a single thing about it other than the clusterfuck at the beginning and the slow motion Nazi stabbing at the end? In between we're treated to hours of Tom Hanks looking worried in French countryside.Tom Hanks looking stern. Tom Hanks looking morose. Tom Hanks looking, and looking, and looking.
At least he dies at the end.
